8.20.2009

On Being a Mom

So I've been a mom for two whole months now. Eight weeks ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy...and my entire life changed forever.

I can definitely say it hasn't been easy. It's the most challenging thing I've ever done. Sometimes it's so difficult I wonder if it was a such a good idea.

Do I love being a mom? Not entirely. Not yet. But I think I eventually will. Once I start sleeping on a more regular basis and I adjust to changing every single thing I do. You know the things you take for granted before you have a kid? You know, like the little things. Taking a shower, going to the bathroom, eating, sleeping, basically the every day tasks that you don't even think about before. They are all about a million times more difficult with an infant. And those are just your basic living tasks. That doesn't take into account cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, working, exercising, getting dressed and ready, or having a social life. (Not to mention having just moved.) I count a day a success if I manage to eat a few meals, take a nap, and maybe take a shower. For most of my readers here, I'm preaching to the much more experienced choir.

But it's still all new to me. It's starting to get easier but I'm definitely not completely used to it yet. Though it is amazing how much you start to adapt. And some things definitely are instinctual. I know what to do to calm my baby down most of the time. I'm starting to learn what his cries mean and about his temperament. He's starting to follow a very loose routine, which is starting to make my life easier.

If I had known it was going to be this hard, would I do it again? Yes, I would. I mean, honestly there are times that I break down and just cry and tell myself I can't do this anymore, but other times I enjoy that I'm the best at taking care of my son.

Being a mom is certainly life changing. I'm having to learn to be less selfish for sure. My whole life now is taking care of my baby. I can't do whatever I want anymore. I can't just pick up and go. I can't read or do other things whenever I want. I think the tricky part of being a mom is learning how to take care of your child and yet still make time for yourself so you don't go stark raving mad. I've never had to really live by a schedule before, but I think I'm going to have to now if I'm going to survive.

The other challenging part is my changing relationship with Austin. I see him every day still, but I miss him. Right now we play tag-team to survive. We don't have all the time in the world to just spend together anymore. The other night I went to bed and realized I hadn't really talked to my husband all day. Each kiss and every moment alone is special now (and these are few and far between nowdays). Though I mourn our old relationship, being parents together is a new delight. Being together and taking care of our son has strengthened my love for my husband. Together we enjoy playing with and marveling over our beautiful baby. We still can't believe sometimes that we made him and that he's ours. Though we mourn our life prebaby sometimes, I imagine we'll eventually get to the point where we can't imagine life without our little bean.

I may not always enjoy the tedium and challenge of being a mom, but one thing is definitely certain. I love my son. I love every inch of his beautiful self. When he smiles at me or looks at me like he looks at no one else, I am filled with utter joy that he is mine and I thank God for giving him to me.