Worry Wart

I missed last week. Dang it. I plan to post twice this week to make up for last week. I was going to write about how I almost deleted my last post. It was open and honest and raw. And I felt exposed and stupid for writing it. So I was going to delete it. But then I realized that I was only wanting to delete it because of other people. I need to be able to say what I need to say right now. For healing purposes and for the purposes of getting used to writing on a regular basis. I need this catharsis. And also, being a writer means sometimes saying things other people don't want to know/read. These feelings kept me from writing last week.

But I'm now moving forward. Onward and upward as they say.

I wanted to write today about my paranoia and anxiety that I deal with on a regular basis. This shows up in a lot of ways. I worry about things to a degree that it interferes with my daily life. I am constantly second guessing myself. I am constantly examining other people's words to me looking for hidden meanings. This all comes to a head at night. Most nights I wake up every few hours in a state of terror. I have to try so hard to sleep against the paranoia and hallucinations. Typically I'll wake up with thoughts of things like "If I look at the ceiling fan, it'll be my fault my husband dies." Most of my hallucinations revolve around death or being attacked. Usually Austin's death. Sometimes mine. And they are serious and feel so real. And they are completely irrational.

I spend many nights filled with irrational terror. I have to try really hard to tell myself it isn't real. That devils and demons aren't out to get me. That I'm not being pursued by enemies. I have trouble sleeping. Even though I KNOW it's not real, it can be difficult to fall asleep anyway. I try to think of something else and all I can think about are horrible and terrifying images.

Sometimes these events are funny. On the rare occasion that I go to bed before Austin, I have been known walk up to him and accuse him of something completely nonsensical. I am awake when this happens. I remember it clearly the next day. (I know what I said, even if I have no idea why I said it.)

This is apparently a family thing. For several members of my family, in particular my mother and one of my brothers, this is a frequent occurrence for them as well.

I wish I could make this go away because it interferes with my sleep quite a bit. And sleep is something that I need more of, not less.

Do you have trouble sleeping due to vivid and frightening thoughts and images?


bishopfamily said…
I don't have a hard time sleeping and it might not be similar to what you experience but I have a huge fear of losing chad and I often scare myself by thinking up things that are irrational. Like I better not send him to the store for something I need or he'll get in a car accident and it'll be all my fault etc :( Its frustrating and I feel for you. Getting enough sleep is essential to being able to function! I hear ya, I definitely need more sleep!
Austin said…
It's at once heartbreaking and hilarious, and I'm sorry you have terror and trouble sleeping, but a part of me loves the things you say because they're like randomness and nonsense in their purest form.

Hope you can sleep better soon, love you much.
Austin said…
Also, look at your blogging progress! 50% more than last year already, and January's not even over yet! ;) xoxo
Susansweaters said…
I hear you. I have a bit of what you have, not to the same extent. I am wondering if there is any treatment. I have some irrational worries, but I don't usually lose sleep over them.
Charlo said…
What your describing though goes along with "Me on Birth Control" or "the time I self prescribed Vitex herbs (chaste berry) in an attempt to regulate my hormones."

They say that if a natural herb is strong enough to have an effect, it is strong enough to have a side effect, and I certainly learned that lesson. Started accusing brett of doing stuff with the specific intent of annoying/hurting me. That is so not Brett. Wasn't sure if it was the Vitex (only been taking it for a few days), but that was the biggest change I'd made, and I could tell I was not myself, so I wen't off of it quickly and stabilized.

So I wouldn't underestimate taking a good look at any herbal supplements or medication you've been taking, and possibly going off for a while to see what happens.

Also, if you've been on antibiotics and such you can ruin your gut flora, and as a result certain foods won't completely digest as they pass through, and the result can be neurotoxins in your blood. Apparently some seriously pscitophrenic cases were able to go off meds and leave mental hospitals when they were put on specific diets to suppress the overgrowth of bad flora's and replenish lost good bacterias in the gut.

I've read about it under "Gut and Psychology Syndrome," and while I'm not 100% sure about it, I do think it is a curious possibility.

Anyhow—whether it's something like that, a matter of finding better balance in your life so you feel more at peace, or simply one of those trials you've been stuck with to spend your whole life working at, overcoming just a little at a time—let me know if there is something I can do. We can ditch the boys with Moby and go bowling, Karaoke, Dance with video games...etc. I definitely need some socialization/night life or I start getting anxiety build ups.

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