The Unadventures of Tracie

I'm starting a new blog series called "Tracie's Journal." My sophomore and senior year of high school I was required to write in a journal for my honor's and AP English classes. I'm really grateful for this because I am a terrible journaler. Because of this requirement, I have dozens of entries into my thoughts as a teenager. I will be randomly selecting an entry from these journals to post on this here blog. I plan to give commentary on the posts, especially the ones in which important things are written. Here is Journal Entry #10 from my sophomore year of high school (originally spelling and punctuation preserved): 9/23/99 "I care for them all the same way, yet they always grow differently. Just like children." --SeaQuest Today I am not as big as a grouch as I was last time I wrote, I am, however, much, much, MUCH more tired than last time. I'm hungry. I went to work for the second time last night. It was not fun. I stood the enti...

Do you ever have days where you feel like you’re doing everything wrong? That despite your best intentions, you’re just a massive screw-up? I’ve been feeling that way lately. Feeling like I pretty much despise myself. Feeling like I do everything wrong, say everything wrong, that I’m just wrong, wrong, WRONG in every way, shape, and form. I like to say that I don’t care what people think of me. But it’s a lie. A complete and utter lie. I want to be liked, to be loved, to be understood. The thought of someone thinking poorly of me destroys me. So I have this overwhelming urge to be perfect. Be such a great and wonderful person that no one ever thinks badly of me. That they’re never angry with me, never disappointed, never hurt, never frustrated. Guess how that’s been working out? I know I shouldn’t be upset that I’m flawed. We all are. But I am upset. I hate that I’m selfish sometimes, that I can be lazy, unreliable, incompetent, jealous, or mean. I hate that despite my best inte...

Those of you who are my Facebook friends may have seen that I'm beginning the doula certification process. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. Becoming a doula is something I knew I wanted to do when I found out what they were, and I experienced what having one during labor was like. Basically doulas are awesome. So extremely awesome. I believe almost every woman would benefit from a doula, no matter the circumstances. Research supports me in this declaration as well. Many studies have shown doulas to be beneficial. There was actually one published just a few months ago that found After examining 21 trials involving over 15,000 women, the review authors found that women who received continuous support (i.e. a doula) during labor: were more likely to have a spontaneous vaginal birth were less likely to have intrapartum analgesia (i.e. an epidural) were less likely to report dissatisfaction with their labors had shorter labors were more likely to give birth without ...

In high school I wrote the following poem: Achieving Perfection Always too much to do Never enough time Placed in a box by well-meaning family and friends-- trying to help, only making it worse-- Walls closing in Suffocating Trapped This still encapsulates how I feel today. There are many themes in this short poem that apply to me and my life. But the part I want to focus on is "placed in a box by well-meaning family and friends." I think there is something about human nature that wants everything to be neatly labeled. Things are black and white. You are a Blue. This is evil. This is good. I am right. You are wrong. In a blog comment on one of the blogs I read, a commenter said on the topic of discussion (which is irrelevant to this post): "We all love simple answers. We all want guarantees. But maybe there are none." And I agree. Life is not black and white but rather multitudes and meritudes of shades of gray. And within these shades of gray are darker tones...

I've written before about how I have a problem getting enough sleep. This was partially due to baby, PPD, and OCD/addictive habits. I'm happy to report that the last week I got about 7-8 hours of sleep every day. I'm still staying up later than I should, but I'm making a lot of progress. I'm hoping that I can continue to break the self-destructive habit/addiction cycle that I've been living in the last 2 years.  For those that didn't know, I couldn't make myself go to bed at a reasonably hour, even when I wanted. I would read, watch TV, or stay on the computer for hours and hours and hours. Sometimes even until dawn. Even when I wanted to go to bed, I couldn't make myself do it. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't feel in control of my life. I'm very busy taking care of a toddler and working all day every day. My husband is at school or work all day and part of the night. So by the time I get time to myself I have to w...

I interrupt this message (and everything else I need to do right now, including finishing other very long, important posts and a book-long reply to an email) to post this . This is a link to a short story on Glass of Random , written by ME. This is the first piece of fiction I have written in 7 years. It's not polished or anything, but it's done for now. I wrote it in one night (not that impressive considering it's two pages long). This is a HUGE DEAL to me. Why? Because I have always loved to write, as soon as I could put pen to paper and form words. I spent much of my childhood writing silly stories, plays, and poems, loving every minute of it. But I have been afraid to write for years, ever since after having a disastrous creative writing class at BYU. Since then I have been so afraid of failure that I haven't even tried to write for a long time, too long. So this was scary and wonderful and frightening and exhilarating for me to do. I didn't realize h...

Dear 21-year-old Tracie, In 5 years, so many things will be different that you'll hardly recognize yourself. How could 5 short years change you so much you ask? Well, just wait and see. You may think you're an adult now. But you're not. You so still have so much to learn. 5 years from now you'll definitely KNOW you're an adult. And guess what? Though you currently feel old to high schoolers, in 5 years you'll feel old even to most people in college. But don't worry. You may be an adult but you're still the same silly, playful Tracie you've always been. No matter how old or responsible you get, you still find the fun in life. Speaking of fun, you know that guy you're dating right now? The one you told you could never marry? The one you weren't supposed to get serious with so you could go on a mission? The one you weren't sure you could ever love like that? Yeah, you marry him. In about a year. In a summer wedding. In June. Something...

 My last post was mostly serious so thus by decree this one has to be as proportionally silly as that one was serious. Because that's how I roll, ya'll. According to my Introduction to English Language class I took in college, words change over time. (Sounds kind of obvious, doesn't it?) Some of the things we talked about are how the article "an" came to be developed, at least partially. I don't remember what the principle is called anymore, but some words used to start with "n" instead of a vowel. These included words such as norange and napron. Think about it. The Spanish word for orange is naranja . Since writing (especially spelling) came long after language did and continued to change, it slowly became "an orange" instead of "a norange." Similarly, "a napron" become "an apron." Another similar change happened. Instead of the losing the "n," some words gained an "n." Thus that is how ...

OoooOO Look at my new blog layout! So excited about Blogger finally making things easier to customize. Now I can change it as often as I please. I'm going to try posting more frequently. I've been going through lots of different things lately. And I haven't been blogging about any of them. And I so desperately need to. Writing is a catharsis for me, a stress reliever. And since I haven't been writing, no stress has been relieved. For the Harry Potter fans, writing is my "emotional pensieve." It's so much easier to function once I just get it all out there. But instead of writing about stuff, I've been keeping it in or driving Austin crazy as he is the only person I've been really able to talk to about some things. (I've also been obsessing about certain other topics with other people as well.) I can't sleep at night for various reasons. I have a serious sleeping disorder called "I stay up later than I should." And I should proba...

Austin and my friend Lechelle wrote bucket lists and made me think about doing the same. Without any adieu, here's my list: (italics indicate things I've already done) Get married Have a baby/Become a mother Graduate from college Become an editor Write a book Win a writing contest Edit a book Edit a fictional novel Learn how to use Photoshop Own a profitable website Be interviewed by a prominent person Win a notable award Try out for American Idol (I don’t even care if I make it. I just want to try out.) Audition for a stage play, preferable a musical Get a part, preferably a starring role, in a play Be in a commercial Run for a small political office (like city council) Be a contestant on a game show, preferably a winning contestant Get challenged by Bobby Flay on “Throwdown” Learn how to sew on a button Visit Australia Visit the Louvre Go to the symphony See an opera See a Broadway play Visit Italy See the Sistine Chapel, David , the Mona Lisa , a...

Yep, I know I've been horrible at blogging lately. Fear not. I have like 6 posts or so in the works that will hopefully come soon. For now, I'll do this tag to give you something to read. 8 Item Tag...You're it now! Here are the rules: 1) Post rules on your blog 2) Answer the six '8' items 3) Let each person know by leaving them a comment. 8 favorite TV shows: 1. LOST 2. American Idol (my guilty pleasure) 3. Lois & Clark 4. Friends 5. Scrubs 6. Psych 7. The Office 8. Arrested Development 8 Things I did yesterday: 1. Worked 2. Went to my first birth class 3. cleaned the kitchen 4. watched The Office 5. finished reading Interview with the Vampire 6. and that's it 8 Things I'm looking forward to: 1. Conference weekend 2. blogging 3. Austin and I's birthdays 4. Morgan 5. possibly buying a condo 6. finishing a freelance project I've been working on 7. not being pregnant anymore 8. Austin being done with school (still awh...

Got this off Jen's blog. :) Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz... You Are a Marilyn! You are a Marilyn -- "I am affectionate and skeptical." Marilyns are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative. How to Get Along with Me * Be direct and clear * Listen to me carefully * Don't judge me for my anxiety * Work things through with me * Reassure me that everything is OK between us * Laugh and make jokes with me * Gently push me toward new experiences * Try not to overreact to my overreacting. What I Like About Being a Marilyn * being committed and faithful to family and friends * being responsible and hardworking * being compassionate toward others * having intellect and wit * being a nonconformist * confronting danger bravely * being direct a...

So I saw this months and months ago and I planned to do it but I didn’t. So anyway, according to my search on Google, these are things that I supposedly need. (Do a search with your name and needs in quotations.) Tracie needs... .....to be pushed (I usually manage quite well on my own.) .....a date (always) .....to bite some chumps (Now where do I find some chumps?) .....a dress (a pretty one that fits me and isn’t expensive) .....a tumble (I think I’ve taken enough tumbles as it is, thank you.) .....a breakthrough (hmmm....still waiting...) .....to go to chuckle school (Awesome! I would love to go to Chuckle School.) .....to take a vacation (Don’t we all?) .....to lose the bad hair (Bah! I didn’t think it was that bad!) .....needs help, but can she be saved in time? (This is the question) .....a reality check (constantly) .....a chuckle right now (always) .....to pull the stick out of her gluteus maximus and relax (I’m quite relaxed now but sometimes this is true of me) .....to win t...

I write more blog posts than you think I do. In fact, I've written so many things, not just blog posts, it's amazing. But where is all this text you ask? In my head. Yes, it is a fact that if there were an invention that would somehow convert thoughts to text I would have many writings attributed to my name. Why is this? Well, because I'm most creative and can write the best when, ironically, I'm not trying to write. Say for instance, right before I go to sleep. I wrote a whole page of a novel yesterday before going to sleep, but it doesn't exist anywhere besides in my own brain. And even that has gotten fuzzy. It drives me crazy that I can write out whole ideas, plots, concepts, articles, witticisms, etc. in my head and yet when I sit down to write I draw a big blank. My creativity is drowning in my own brain where it can't escape and will never live among the concrete things we call the written word. Today while I was resting, I wrote 3 blog posts that you m...

So I didn't exactly make my goal to blog every day in August. But I did blog much more, which is something you can all be grateful for. I blogged about 5x more in August in July so that is quite the improvement. This month I'll try to blog on average twice a week. Anyway, so I was over at Charlotte's blog and she posted some results of online visual personality quizzes. I found this one to be particularly accurate. Here are my results: About Me: You are a single-minded person who takes pride in making sound judgements and likes to earn the respect of others. Interaction: You are idealistic and can be extremely loyal and accepting of others. You often remain on the sidelines in social situations choosing to observe rather than participate. Having said that, when you feel comfortable in a social setting, you come alive and enjoy interacting with like-minded people. You even have the chance to exercise that cheeky sense of humor of yours. Thinking: You enjoy being well-...

Don't you hate when you're waiting around forever for something you want, and then when you finally get it, you don't like it? So about a month and a half ago I made an eye appointment because I was on my last pair of contacts and needed new ones. I go to my appointment to find out that wearing my contacts too long has caused an eye infection and that my eyes are too damaged to get an accurate reading. So I was to wear only my glasses and come back in a week. I HATE wearing my glasses full-time, but I wanted my eyes to heal so I wore them. I also had to put a substance similar to vaseline in my eyes at night every night. That was great gobby fun. No, it was annoying. After a week of this, I went in again to find out that my eyes still hadn't healed so I was told to get eye drops and come back in ANOTHER week. I was not happy about this. But I used the eyes drops and came back in...to discover my eyes STILL weren't healed and to come back at the end of the week, wh...

Thanks Charlotte for the blog idea. After this post I will still be 4 posts behind. SCATTERGORIES... USE the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following, they have to be real...places, names, things-nothing made up. Try to use different answers if the person that sent it has the same first letter. And you can't use your name for the boy/girl question... What is your name? Tracie 4 letter word: Tiny Vehicle: Toyota TV show: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles Body part: Toes Girl name: Trixie Boy name: Terrance Occupation: Truck driver Something you wear: Toga (thanks for the suggestion anonymous user. I accidentally forgot this one.) Food: Tortilla chips Something found in a bathroom: Towel Excuse for being late: Traffic (boring, but true) Something you shout: Thank you!

10 years ago I was... a geeky teenager in junior high spending all of my free time with Heidi 5 years ago I was... living on my own for the very first time, waiting for Steve to go on his mission, and about to meet Jonathan and go through that whole disaster. 1 year ago I was... living in Provo and taking summer classes and nannying the boys. I miss them :( Yesterday I was... (at the time I started this) Working from home (woo-hoo!) and visiting Austin's family 5 favorite snacks... Anything and everything chocolate Triscuits Apples & other fruit Fro-Yo (best frozen yogurt EVER!) Western Family string cheese 5 favorite books... The Princess Bride The Death & Life of Superman Harry Potter 1-7 Beauty Tale of Two Cities 5 Favorite movies... The Princess Bride Ferris Bueller's Day Off/Better Off Dead The Little Mermaid Ever After 10th Kingdom (technically a miniseries) Honorable Mentions: Star Wars Original Trilogy, When Harry Met Sally, Al...

Yep, another survey thing. I don't really have time for super original material right now. But I thought I'd keep the masses happy. Bloglifted from Amanda once again. Kicked someone in the. . . well, you know? Yep. I was five years old at the time. He had gone through the fence the “wrong way” and this simply couldn’t be tolerated. (There was an opening in a fence surrounding the field of my school. The opening had a bar through it and had footprints preserved in cement. One was walking into the field, the other out. The unlucky boy was walking on the “out” side when he should’ve been walking on the “in” side.) Gone on a blind date? Yes, many sadly. Most of my dates consisted of friends setting me up with other friends. Or blind dates with guys I met off the Internet. (Don’t judge me.) Made someone cry? Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on the circumstances), yes. Opened your Christmas presents early? Not too early. Maybe a few days early or at a Christmas party or ...

I bloglifted this from Amanda. Sorry I haven't been posting more. I've actually had stuff to do at work, and since I'm on the computer all day at work I usually don't get on at home. My ex is . . . a thing of the past. Except for the one I stayed good friends with. Maybe I should . . . try something different. I love . . . my husband and the beauty of the world. I don't understand . . . why people are so mean. I lost my . . . figure. I hope to find it again someday. People would say that I'm . . . quirky and a fun and compassionate friend. (At least I hope they do.) I look forward to . . . each and every second I spend with Austin. Love is . . . the greatest thing in the world (except maybe chocolate). Somewhere, someone is . . . being born. I will always . . . love my family. Forever is . . . something that is actually attainable. I think the current President is . . . an okay guy. I woke up this morning . . . feeling more awake than I have all week. Life is fu...