The Unadventures of Tracie

I am tired. So very tired. I cannot handle the tedium of life. The inescapableness of it all. Every day. The same thing, the same drudgery, the same trying to keep to get it together. It's just too much. Too MUCH. Cannot handle it. The weight, the pressure. I have snapped. Lost it. Yelling for a cathartic release. Fear. Pressure. Too much. Too much. TOO MUCH! Cannot take it anymore. I cry because I can't do it anymore. Cannot do it. Make it stop! Give my life order. Give my life sustainability. I fail at life. I am a failure. A failure. A failure. A failure. A failure. A failure. A failure. A failure. A failure. A failure. A failure. A failure. Empty tears. Empty life. Blinking cursor. Broken. I am broken. Empty and broken. Responsible for everything and nothing. The end no periods nothing. gone. broken. help?

(Also known as the longest post you'll ever read in your life. Ye have been warned. Thanks to Amanda who finally pushed me off my butt to write about this.) I have always wanted to be a mom, maybe not necessarily the "staying-at-home" part that some feel is a woman's calling, and some feel that's where they want and should be, but the part where I got to experience the blessing of creating and raising a little person who looked like me. Growing up, I loved kids. They were cute and fun and precious. I loved their innocence and their tenderness. Their curiosity and their trust. Children have always occupied a special place in my heart. I knew that I was destined to spend my life working with children. And so I looked forward to the day, which I knew would someday come, when I would have children of my own. I knew I would love being a mom because how could I not? Everyone around me loved being a mom. They told stories about the blessing and benefits of being a mom. ...

OoooOO Look at my new blog layout! So excited about Blogger finally making things easier to customize. Now I can change it as often as I please. I'm going to try posting more frequently. I've been going through lots of different things lately. And I haven't been blogging about any of them. And I so desperately need to. Writing is a catharsis for me, a stress reliever. And since I haven't been writing, no stress has been relieved. For the Harry Potter fans, writing is my "emotional pensieve." It's so much easier to function once I just get it all out there. But instead of writing about stuff, I've been keeping it in or driving Austin crazy as he is the only person I've been really able to talk to about some things. (I've also been obsessing about certain other topics with other people as well.) I can't sleep at night for various reasons. I have a serious sleeping disorder called "I stay up later than I should." And I should proba...

So I've been a mom for two whole months now. Eight weeks ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy...and my entire life changed forever. I can definitely say it hasn't been easy. It's the most challenging thing I've ever done. Sometimes it's so difficult I wonder if it was a such a good idea. Do I love being a mom? Not entirely. Not yet. But I think I eventually will. Once I start sleeping on a more regular basis and I adjust to changing every single thing I do. You know the things you take for granted before you have a kid? You know, like the little things. Taking a shower, going to the bathroom, eating, sleeping, basically the every day tasks that you don't even think about before. They are all about a million times more difficult with an infant. And those are just your basic living tasks. That doesn't take into account cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, working, exercising, getting dressed and ready, or having a social life. (Not to mention having ju...

When it rains, it pours. That seems to be our lot in life. I’m doing much better today, but I’ve been struggling the last little while as everything seems to be going down the crapper all at the same time. Because of everything that’s been going down, I finally slipped up on my goal. As many of you know, I recently made a commitment to work out every day no matter what. And I kept that commitment for exactly SIXTY days. For sixty days in a row I did at least one thing that was considered exercise. On the low end this meant doing 20 crunches before bed. On the high end this meant doing a highly vigorous, high-intensity 40-minute workout. Most days were somewhere between those two, but I did it without fail for sixty days. Until yesterday . . . when I forgot. Two months of work out the window just like that. Gone. Good-bye woo-hoo see ya. Sigh. It’s not hard to see why I forgot. Yesterday I became completely and utterly depressed, a state I’m not fond of being in. I was optimistic when A...