The Unadventures of Tracie

I missed last week. Dang it. I plan to post twice this week to make up for last week. I was going to write about how I almost deleted my last post. It was open and honest and raw. And I felt exposed and stupid for writing it. So I was going to delete it. But then I realized that I was only wanting to delete it because of other people. I need to be able to say what I need to say right now. For healing purposes and for the purposes of getting used to writing on a regular basis. I need this catharsis. And also, being a writer means sometimes saying things other people don't want to know/read. These feelings kept me from writing last week. But I'm now moving forward. Onward and upward as they say. I wanted to write today about my paranoia and anxiety that I deal with on a regular basis. This shows up in a lot of ways. I worry about things to a degree that it interferes with my daily life. I am constantly second guessing myself. I am constantly examining other people's words...

I'm starting a new blog series called "Tracie's Journal." My sophomore and senior year of high school I was required to write in a journal for my honor's and AP English classes. I'm really grateful for this because I am a terrible journaler. Because of this requirement, I have dozens of entries into my thoughts as a teenager. I will be randomly selecting an entry from these journals to post on this here blog. I plan to give commentary on the posts, especially the ones in which important things are written. Here is Journal Entry #10 from my sophomore year of high school (originally spelling and punctuation preserved): 9/23/99 "I care for them all the same way, yet they always grow differently. Just like children." --SeaQuest Today I am not as big as a grouch as I was last time I wrote, I am, however, much, much, MUCH more tired than last time. I'm hungry. I went to work for the second time last night. It was not fun. I stood the enti...

Yay, we didn't die! Woot! I, for one, am personally THRILLED that I survived 2012. It was a hard year in many ways. I have a lot of plans and goals this year. And for the first time in a very long time, I am excited about the future. Okay, pushing forward. I already went back to the previous paragraph to read and edit in an attempt to make it all sound wonderful and all that. (Edited to add: I did go back later and edit it. But doing it later makes it revision. :) )But I've decided I've got to stop doing that if I'm going to make this year's goal. I'm going to start writing again. Blogging is just one of the ways that I'm going to count this goal. I'm going to start blogging at least once a week. Recording my thoughts, feelings, ideas, trials, misfortunes, adventures, unadventures, and all that jazz. Should be great fun for everyone. I also am going to participate in NaNoWriMo this year for the first time ever. To prepare for this, I am going to write ...

We’ve been working with Kids on the Move for about a year now. We took Morgan in for a well-baby visit when he was 18ish months old. His pediatrician gave us a questionnaire to fill out, which Morgan “failed.” They recommended we call Kids on the Move, which we did. He got evaluated and qualified for sensory and speech and development services. I blogged about finding out Morgan is a sensory seeker here . For the past year Morgan has had an occupational therapist, a development specialist, and speech therapist each visit us once a month.  Now that Morgan is turning 3, he is aging out of Kids on the Move. So we needed to meet with the school district for a formal assessment. We just did this assessment this week. I’m glad that they prepared us for what to expect and that the environment would be difficult for Morgan. It was a small room (very small) and Morgan was expected to do adult-directed tasks in a very specific way. Morgan is more of an “I’ll do it on my own time, in my...

I don’t blog as much as I used to. (Paging Captain Obvious!) The reasons for this are many. Lack of time. Lack of motivation. Feeling unable to talk about the things that matter to me. Anyway, I’m making a new goal to blog once a month just to chronicle what is happening in our lives. If I don’t write this stuff down, I’ll forget it. So here is the status of the members of the Austin & Tracie family: Austin : still in school. I honestly don’t know when he’ll graduate at this point. I keep having my hopes dashed, so I’m not even going to set a date. It’ll most likely be sometime next year though. This summer he’s taking a computer programming class. For funsies. Hopefully it’ll teach him something. He’s working on a few graphic design side projects and has goals to work on stuff throughout the summer. This summer he’ll be home at 5ish so that will be great to have him home earlier. Tracie : still working. I honestly don’t know when I’ll stop working at this point. This...

Do you ever have days where you feel like you’re doing everything wrong? That despite your best intentions, you’re just a massive screw-up? I’ve been feeling that way lately. Feeling like I pretty much despise myself. Feeling like I do everything wrong, say everything wrong, that I’m just wrong, wrong, WRONG in every way, shape, and form. I like to say that I don’t care what people think of me. But it’s a lie. A complete and utter lie. I want to be liked, to be loved, to be understood. The thought of someone thinking poorly of me destroys me. So I have this overwhelming urge to be perfect. Be such a great and wonderful person that no one ever thinks badly of me. That they’re never angry with me, never disappointed, never hurt, never frustrated. Guess how that’s been working out? I know I shouldn’t be upset that I’m flawed. We all are. But I am upset. I hate that I’m selfish sometimes, that I can be lazy, unreliable, incompetent, jealous, or mean. I hate that despite my best inte...

I'm so relieved I could almost cry. We've finally (though, in retrospect, we were lucky to find out as soon as we did) figured out why Morgan is the way he is. Morgan is a happy lovable child that we once worried was autistic. After undergoing a few comprehensive evaluations via Kids on the Move, we have learned that Morgan most likely has a Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), specifically he has a Sensory Modulation Disorder (SMD) that exhibits as sensory seeking. I think at this point that's it unlikely he has autism. It's still possible that he could have ADHD because the two disorders have similar symptoms (but different causes). It's also possible he has both since they do sometimes overlap. But for right now (it's too soon to tell precisely since he is very young) I feel fairly certain that Morgan is a Sensory Seeker. Morgan is also pretty behind in his receptive (understanding) and expressive (talking) communication. Though Morgan is almost 24 months, hi...