The Tracie & Austin Story -- Part Three

The saga continues:

“Just Friends”

As December was beginning I found myself getting excited to go to work. I told myself it was silly since I didn’t like Austin “that way.” I convinced myself I liked the attention and that’s why I was getting butterflies. We were spending so much time together it’s as if we were dating, but we were “just friends.” This was fine with me since I was going on a mission. I had decided after the breakup with Devon that’s what I was going to do. The following April I would turn 21 and I would go. In fact that semester I even took a Mission Prep course at BYU, which was a fabulous class by the way.

But the sexual tension was mounting. One night Austin and I rented The Tempest, another Shakespeare “classic.” It was the silliest movie I had ever seen. It was set in the South during the Civil War and it was just plain bizarre. (“Careful Prosper!” “You make me fly like an eagle!”) Austin and I had started cuddling at this point in our relationship, but hadn’t kissed. See, this was because it was okay for friends to cuddle, but kissing was going too far. In fact we often remarked that we were friends that cuddled. Sometimes we would even hold hands. I think Austin kissed me on the check a few times as well. Anyway, after the movie (which we hilariously made fun of the whole time) there was this awkwardness. And Austin decided to leave rather than to kiss me. We didn’t want to ruin our “friendship,” especially since I was going on a mission anyway.

Austin was very supportive of me going on a mission. He encouraged me and even bought me mission preparation books for Christmas. (which he gave to me early since he went home early for Christmas and was gone for three weeks…more on this later.)

We even went on “non-dates.” Austin took me to Wingers to eat, deliberately making sure to NOT open doors for me because, as we all know, that makes it a date. Ironically, he paid for me (and left Heidi a $15 tip! Someone was trying to make a good impression on my best friend).

Friends with Benefits

Then one night, it happened. We had watched a movie (we don’t remember what) and stayed up talking. We slowly got closer and closer together. And then around three in the morning (!), Austin started to seduce me by kissing my face near my mouth, but never my lips. There were some parts of me that didn’t want to kiss him, and I had never once before “given in” to a guy that wanted to kiss me that I didn’t. But the temptation was great, and I did give in, and Austin and I kissed. And it was good. (Though a part of me was upset that I had given in.)

And then things got weird. We had now kissed, but we didn’t know what that meant. I was confused about what I wanted to do. I didn’t know whether or not I wanted to “get together” with Austin or not. I still was dealing with my feelings for Devon and unsure how I felt about Austin. And so, we became friends who kissed occasionally. We still hung out all the time and flirted and talked and cried together.

Competition

Then Austin went to Texas for Christmas break. He was going to be gone for three weeks. Austin was not the only guy I was hanging out with. There were some other guys that lived together in an apartment in Heidi’s ward in Provo, and we (Heidi and the boys) hung out. There was one boy who showed an inkling of interest in me. So one night I cuddled with him. Austin and I were not a couple, but I did feel guilty. I don’t think I told Austin at the time, but I did also go on one lunch date with this guy. At a later date the boy attempted to kiss me, but I felt it was wrong to kiss two guys at the same time, even if Austin and I were not “officially” together. The boy had been teasing me about my “boyfriend” because I talked about Austin as if HE were my boyfriend, kinda. Not to mention Austin called me A LOT. He kept calling and leaving me a lot of messages the night I almost kissed the other guy. (This is because I did it to Austin one time to be funny. I called him like 13 times and left funny messages.)

Though Heidi told me I didn’t have to tell Austin, I did. I told Austin what happened. And he was really, really upset. But he got over it.

Overwhelmed

Austin and I talked A LOT while he was gone. I ended up having to pay a $200 phone bill the next month because we talked so much. We got to know each other even better, but the one thing I did not expect was for Austin to tell me he loved me. I was shocked, surprised (well, not extremely so. I am amazing.) and totally overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to do with this information. I knew I had some feelings for Austin, but I did not love him. I cared for him as a friend and perhaps more, but that was it. We weren’t even officially dating yet! How could I already love him? It only added to my confusion that I was still in love with my ex.

To get more closure with my relationship with Devon I went to see him one night a week or so before Christmas. Austin was still gone. I actually called Austin for support because I was scared and an emotional wreck. Looking back, it was an unfair thing to ask Austin to do. He didn’t want me to do it, but he didn’t want to be controlling either.

So I talked to Devon. And I realized that yes, I still had feelings for him, but no, there was no chance of us getting back together. I wasn’t there to beg him to get back together or anything like that, but I guess I had to find out if the door was closed permanently. I also needed to know whether or not I could be friends with him. That was one of the hardest parts (at the time) of losing Devon, I was losing a very good friend.

It was a hard thing to do, but I’m glad I did. I know it was painful for Austin, but I HAD to know. Devon did not regret his decision, and neither do I. So I told Devon that I wanted to be friends when he was ready, told him I was going on a mission, and said goodbye.

Homecoming

The night Austin came home was an exciting, nervous, and scary night for me. We had decided that we would decide what we were going to do about “us” when he got back as it wasn’t fair to make a decision like that with him gone. I still worked nights, so I waited anxiously with butterflies churning in my stomach. I knew Austin was coming in to work to see him when he got back. I was so distracted and nervous I didn’t see him come in, and he scared the crap out of me. I didn’t know who he was for a moment. He looked completely different. He wasn’t wearing glasses, he was wearing a bright red shirt announcing that “the party has arrived”, and he had cut his hair very short. We hugged and I slowly recovered from my heart attack.

Waiting for work to get over was a nightmare. I was so nervous. But I knew when I saw Austin that I didn’t want things to end between us. I had really MISSED him. So when I got home from work we sat in the car, and we talked for a long time before I finally told him that I wanted to “give it a try.”

I remember the moon was shining and Austin remarked that I looked beautiful in the moonlight. And then we kissed for the first time as an "official" couple.

But, I reminded Austin, things couldn’t get serious because I was going on a mission in a few months.