I meant to post an update after Sunday's very depressing post. I'm actually doing okay. I wasn't at that moment, obvs. I was in the midst of an anxiety attack that day. Anxiety attacks suck. I have a lot on my plate right now, which leads to stress. Stress plus my genetically-prone-to anxiety-self = breakdown and anxiety attacks. I don't want people to think that I'm feeling like that all the time. I'm not. In general, I'm doing very well. I am happy and content a lot of the time. I have an awesome husband and wonderfully supportive friends. I just happen to be dealing with a lot of stress right now. Stress that will hopefully decrease come April when Austin finally, finally graduates.
I just snapped on Sunday because I became overwhelmed with everything. My house was extremely messy, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at Austin. I threw things. I hide in my room like an ashamed child. I cried, I vented by writing the depressive post, and Austin came and held me. Then I went into full-blown anxiety attack. For me what happens is I start hyperventilating. I feel like I can't breathe and that I'm slowly being suffocated. Then I start crying and shaking and convulsing involuntarily. It's a bit scary. The first time I had an anxiety attack I thought something was seriously wrong with me and that I was dying. This makes the anxiety attack A LOT worse. Because I knew what it was this time, I was able to keep it from spiraling. Morgan came in the room and told me that he loved me and showed me his Perry the Platypus stuffed animal wearing a Spiderman mask. It was so funny looking and unexpected, it made me laugh. My son and my husband brought me back and the anxiety attack ended. I took a shower and felt loads better.
Anxiety is often irrational. Why would a messy house cause an anxiety attack? Well, it's one of my triggers. Because of how I was raised, a messy house is a symbol of failure. And I'm a perfectionist. I don't deal with failure very well. I have issues, as they say. I've been thinking of seeing a therapist about my anxiety. I don't know if I actually will though because going to see a therapist means having the time, money, and transportation to do so. Three things I don't have a lot of right now.
Whoops. 3 weeks have gone by. I'm doing good folks. I have anxiety, and it sucks sometimes. But on the whole, I'm fine and dandy. I don't want to talk about htis right now, so I'll go on my merry way. I've been slacking on my blogging goal. The way to remedy that is to write about things that I want to. New post coming later today.