4.01.2013

Anxiety

I meant to post an update after Sunday's very depressing post. I'm actually doing okay. I wasn't at that moment, obvs. I was in the midst of an anxiety attack that day. Anxiety attacks suck. I have a lot on my plate right now, which leads to stress. Stress plus my genetically-prone-to anxiety-self = breakdown and anxiety attacks. I don't want people to think that I'm feeling like that all the time. I'm not. In general, I'm doing very well. I am happy and content a lot of the time. I have an awesome husband and wonderfully supportive friends. I just happen to be dealing with a lot of stress right now. Stress that will hopefully decrease come April when Austin finally, finally graduates.

I just snapped on Sunday because I became overwhelmed with everything. My house was extremely messy, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at Austin. I threw things. I hide in my room like an ashamed child. I cried, I vented by writing the depressive post, and Austin came and held me. Then I went into full-blown anxiety attack. For me what happens is I start hyperventilating. I feel like I can't breathe and that I'm slowly being suffocated. Then I start crying and shaking and convulsing involuntarily. It's a bit scary. The first time I had an anxiety attack I thought something was seriously wrong with me and that I was dying. This makes the anxiety attack A LOT worse. Because I knew what it was this time, I was able to keep it from spiraling. Morgan came in the room and told me that he loved me and showed me his Perry the Platypus stuffed animal wearing a Spiderman mask. It was so funny looking and unexpected, it made me laugh. My son and my husband brought me back and the anxiety attack ended. I took a shower and felt loads better.


Anxiety is often irrational. Why would a messy house cause an anxiety attack? Well, it's one of my triggers. Because of how I was raised, a messy house is a symbol of failure. And I'm a perfectionist. I don't deal with failure very well. I have issues, as they say. I've been thinking of seeing a therapist about my anxiety. I don't know if I actually will though because going to see a therapist means having the time, money, and transportation to do so. Three things I don't have a lot of right now.

***

Whoops. 3 weeks have gone by. I'm doing good folks. I have anxiety, and it sucks sometimes. But on the whole, I'm fine and dandy. I don't want to talk about htis right now, so I'll go on my merry way. I've been slacking on my blogging goal. The way to remedy that is to write about things that I want to. New post coming later today.

5 comments:

Austin said...

Glad you're doing better and yes, Moby IS hilarious. He takes after both of us in that regard. Same with his cuteness.

Charlo said...

Sometimes little things that have been bugging you build and just snap... and even when you are certain that your feelings are irrational, that doesn't mean they are invalid. They are still what you are feeling, and they still effect you.

I know when I went through my high anxiety phase, I really wished I had taken advantage of the free therapy at BYU when I was a full time student... but no, I was to proud, I could do anything on my own, then when I was willing to give it a try, I wasn't full time any more. Major Bummer.

Ross & Amanda Goodman- but mostly Amanda :) said...

I struggle with this as well, and a messy house is absolutely a trigger for me at times. Your attacks sound much worse than mine, though, and my heart goes out to you. I wish I had some kind of magical cure or tip to give to make it easer, but even though I struggle with this, I have yet to find a great way to cope with it.

Laura Anderson said...

Fellow anxiety sufferer over here, and it sucks. I've had similar attacks too, and messy house is also a trigger. You are definitely not alone.

I've been considering therapy too, but not knowing who to go to keeps me from seeking it.

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