The Final Countdown

With one day to go till my estimated due date, I'm currently a nervous wreck. The last several days my mood and feelings have been all over the place. One minute I feel confident and prepared. The next I feel totally intimidated and scared out of my mind. Yesterday was good. I felt ready to go. Last night I couldn't sleep and now I'm tired and feeling totally overwhelmed.

I hate this not knowing when. The whole "this could happen any second" IS not good for my relaxation. I'm so worried that I'm going to go into labor tired and unprepared. And with my whole goal to have a natural birth, I'm worried that if I'm not in optimum condition, my goal will go down the toilet. And that will depress me.

I've spent MONTHS preparing for this upcoming day. And it's all one big question mark. Can I really do this? Really? Part of me is SO ready to have this all over but the other part is petrified about the unknown, even with my months of preparation. I don't know if I'm ready to have a baby yet. I really want Morgan to get here, but I'm really overwhelmed. Will I be able to handle a newborn? Am I ready for my life to change FOREVER? Am I going to totally fall apart?

I want my baby, but I don't know if I'm ready yet. At least not this second. Yesterday I felt totally ready. But now I'm so tired and drained and fatigued. My hips hurt. My back hurts. I feel like I could burst into tears any second. (And so I do.) I don't know if I want to do this anymore. Lol.

I HATE how everyone keeps telling me to rest right now because I'll never get sleep again. It's really discouraging. "Enjoy life now because the rest of your life will suck." It's not a very positive or encouraging message. Please tell me the joys of having a newborn, not the sucky parts. Because I don't know if I can do this with everyone telling me how hard it's going to be. I already realize it's probably going to be really hard. It doesn't make me look forward to it. I need to hear that I can do this, that it is doable. That I won't be totally miserable. Otherwise I don't know if I can or want to do this. Stupid pregnancy hormones. I hate this back and forthness that I'm feeling. I feel like I'm going crazy. Please tell me I'm not the only one to feel like this.

Anyway, other than that, I'm doing okay and holding in there. One minute at a time.


Austin said…
You can do this. this is doable. You won't be totally miserable. I'll help you out any way I can. You're an amazing woman and you're going to be the best mother Morgan can possibly have.

You're going to love being a mother, you'll sleep, and everything is gonna be ok.
Lechelle said…
You can do it Tracie. It will be wonderful. And you will have so much help from Austin and your parents and Austin's parents. You aren't doing it alone. If you start to feel overwhelmed you have people to go to for help.

Now enjoy it!!
Oh Tracy, there is no doubt in my mind that you will be amazing. Why? Because you are worried about it. With both of my girls I went through the same roller coaster in the weeks before they were born. Let me say now that you can do this! It is so worth it. It is so doable. It is so wonderful.

The best moment for me both times was after all the family and friends had made their visits, told me how cute the baby was, kissed my cheek and left. Then it was just me and my baby. I remember it most with Emma partly because she was my first, partly because there was so much drama getting her here, but mostly because after months of feeling up and down with my spirit and emotions, all I could do was hold that precious little girl and thank God that she was mine.

I was so unprepared to feel so grateful and loved. I had been quite angry and discontent with my life in the days leading up to the delivery.

I remember holding her on my chest and stroking her back and feeling her nestle in as close to me as she could possibly get. For a moment it didn't matter that Ross was gone. It didn't matter that I was sore and exhausted. It didn't matter that I looked terrible and felt terrible. It didn't matter that an hour before I was terrified and overwhelmed and having thoughts of "I don't want to do this anymore!"

I was so in love with my baby. I was captivated with her tiny intricacies and the haunting but pleasant thought that I had met her before.

I asked the nurses to let the girls stay in my room as much as possible, and I tell all my friends to do the same. The nurses will tell you to get your rest while you can. I say fall in love with your baby as soon as you can. Hold him. Watch him sleep. Change his diapers and smell his baby-sweet skin. Drink him in and bathe in this new and exciting experience.

Oh- and the cry. The newborn cry is so sweet and expressive. It marks the first time you and your baby will communicate verbally.

Sorry- this got all rambly. Newborns are amazing! The whole spirit of your home will change. You will come closer to God through this stewardship. I am so excited for you! We will keep you in ou prayers.

You can do this!
lynette said…
Having a baby is an amazing experience! Once you see him your heart will overflow with a love you've never felt before and you'll wonder how you ever survived without him.

I think people share the "scary" stuff because they were unprepared for the reality of having a baby. I know I was! All I heard was how wonderful it was--hearts and flowers. The truth is no one can really prepare you for the highs and lows of having a baby. All I can say is that is hard work, but it's rewarding and totally worth it!

You're going to be a great mom! Hang in there!
HailerStar said…
You are normal. The things you're worrying about are normal. You are not crazy. You're just on the brink of something life changing. And that's not bad.
I assume you may have been worried before getting married to Austin cuz that too is a major life altering event! And it turned out great, yes no? So will this.
Most people will say it's hard, but ever notice that most people also say it's WORTH IT. No one ever says motherhood wasn't worth it to them. Ever. This will be a great thing. You'll have a little miracle to take care of and he'll be all yours (and maybe a little austin's).
You. Can. Do. This.
Heidi Ferguson said…
I had a nervous breakdown the night before Will was to be born. I remember thinking how I really didn't want to go through with it right before the surgery. But the best moment of my life, bar none, was a few hours later when I held my newborn son in my arms for the first time.

Will is my little buddy. We have a blast together. It's so fun to have someone who just loves you unconditionally, no matter what you look like or how irritated you get with them. And it's also fun to discover the little pieces of yourself that come out in their personalities that make you get along so well. And when everyone says it's hard, just imagine all the hard things you've lived through, and you will have the confidence to be a parent. Oh, and the hard parts are way better than getting dumped by a boyfriend, so at least you never have to worry about that. :)

While it's true that your sleeping won't be as 'luxurious' (even though you're pregnant and you don't HAVE luxurious sleep), you just get used to it. And truth be told, being a parent is something you just grow to be over time, and no one expects you to have all the answers up front. Oh, and EVERYONE has TONS of advice to give, unwarranted or not.

The first two weeks are survival mode. You will be a wreck probably, but it won't last forever. And you have a great husband to help you every step of the way. Good luck! I love you!
Brittnee Ann said…
I really don't have any advice to give ya, I'll I can say is I know you'll be a great mom and good luck with the delivery. I'll keep you in my prayers. Let me know when your ready to have visitors and show Morgan to us!
Janae said…
You sound SO prepared. I took a Bradley course for 12 weeks and was still feeling like you--wondering, can I DO this naturally? I'm sure you've done your research. And when the time came for me, all the knowledge I learned came back to me. Plus my hubby was such a help. I was able to relax through the pain the most I EVER have in my entire life. I know people were praying for me and that angels were there. Our bodies were MADE to give birth. You can totally do it! And no matter what happens w/ your labor and delivery, just know that it's all about your baby--whatever's best to get her (is it a her? sorry, I can't remember!) here. Good luck!!
Tracie, let me tell you what I thought was best part of childbirth... once the baby has been delivered and is crying while everyone oohs and ahhs over him and they weight and measure and all that fun stuff, the best part will be that once they place him in your arms he will calm down and slow down the crying almost instantly, if not stop altogether!! The best part will be you finally getting to see that he knows you and that you are his mommy!! It is the meaning of love at first sight! There is no feeling better I think :) you will do so awesome and I wish you the best of luck and so much happiness with your new little man ;) we love you tons! Malisa and Jacob
Heather said…
What Amanda said.


And get ready for a whole rush of new emotions that you have never felt before in your entire life until Morgan is born.

The first emotion-brings you closer to HF. You finally have a child, and experience the joys and worries of being a parent. Then your relationship with HF and your own parents totally changes! In such positive ways!

The second one- intense protectiveness and love for your new baby. So important to pay attention to those emotions and feelings that swell up whenever you are with Morgan.

The third emotion- yes, you will get some sort of PPD. Deal with it and move on as quickly as possible. Took me about a week for each baby.

Fourth emotion- How fun it is being a mother!

Enjoy this time with Morgan because the first baby and mommy relationship is never like the relationships with your other children that will come later. You know, "just the two of us" kind of thing. Or the Two Parents, One child thing. Enjoy that. Morgan is privileged to have this experience with you and Austin.
Heather said…
Sorry, I meant WHEN Morgan is born, not UNTIL Morgan is born.

(about the rush of emotions)

Popular posts from this blog

Apple Taste Test 2013


Tracie's Journal #2