Fancy New Trimmings--And Being True to Myself

OoooOO Look at my new blog layout! So excited about Blogger finally making things easier to customize. Now I can change it as often as I please. I'm going to try posting more frequently. I've been going through lots of different things lately. And I haven't been blogging about any of them. And I so desperately need to. Writing is a catharsis for me, a stress reliever. And since I haven't been writing, no stress has been relieved. For the Harry Potter fans, writing is my "emotional pensieve." It's so much easier to function once I just get it all out there. But instead of writing about stuff, I've been keeping it in or driving Austin crazy as he is the only person I've been really able to talk to about some things. (I've also been obsessing about certain other topics with other people as well.)

I can't sleep at night for various reasons. I have a serious sleeping disorder called "I stay up later than I should." And I should probably explain that because I know many people say they need to go bed earlier. But I'm willing to bet you're not high-fiving yourself on "progress" when you get yourself to bed at least by 2. Yes, I have a freaking problem. A very serious problem that is affecting pretty much every aspect of my life. And I don't know to fix it. "Just go to bed!" you say. It's not that simple. That's like saying to a smoker "Just quit!" Yes, I'm addicted to staying up late. I don't even want to stay up late most of the time. I even have a little voice in my head that says, "Go to bed, Tracie! Why are you still up? Just stand up and go. Just go. Just go. Do it. Stand up. Stop!" And I.......can't. I don't listen, not even to myself.

I've always been a night owl. Always. But I've always managed to get myself to bed by at least what I think are manageable hours (meaning midnight on weekdays and no later than 2 on the weekends, still averaging 7-9 hours on a regular basis). And when I've been exhausted in the past I've been able to go to bed earlier when I've needed to. Now it doesn't matter how tired I am, which is pretty much constantly. Whenever I do manage to somehow get myself to bed, I can't sleep or Morgan wakes up and keeps me up half the night anyway. So what's the use? I sometimes ask. I survive by getting as much sleep as I can on the weekends or sleeping when I get off work and Austin gets home.

So I'm admitting I have a problem. At least one. Another reason I haven't been writing is because I haven't wanted to self-reflect or haven't wanted to let people know what I really think or feel. And now that I think about it, maybe that's part of the reason why I don't go to sleep at night. I haven't been honest with my feelings or haven't done or said what I really want to say and do. I know most people probably don't care about what I think or feel. And that doesn't bother me. I mean, who am I anyway that someone would listen to me? But the fact that I've been censoring myself, on my own blog, well I'm being disingenuous then. I'm so afraid what other people think of me that I'm not even honest about who I really am or what I care about in my own personal space.

And I'm thinking....that's gotta change.

So, hi, I'm Tracie. I'm a progressive LDS feminist who is passionate about many things, one of the chief being birth advocacy.

*EDIT* Another change I want to mention is that I have deleted my list of links to family and friend's personal blogs I follow. But don't worry! I still read all your blogs (if you update more than a few times a year). Just via Google Reader instead of the links that used to be here. Bu the links can still be found for anyone who used to use my links to get to other blogs. You can find the list on my profile page instead of my home page here.

Comments

Wendy said…
Hi Tracie. You sound like a way interesting person and I look forward to reading more of your thoughts and opinions. Love the new layout!

P.S. Sorry I missed your call. We were at the Bishop Museum when you called. And I have this thing where I don't like to have too many pictures of myself on FB (I've actually gotten better at not untagging myself from EVERY photo). Not sure why, just one of my many OCD habits I'm sure.
I am so excited to see what will come of this! Writing is my release as well, only I am not good at it like you are. I hope you share more of your catharsis. You have such a unique perspective on things, and that is so refreshing! I hope you find ways to work through whatever it is you are going through. You sound a titch sad.
Lechelle said…
Tracie, I am so glad you are going to try and blog more often and blog your real self again, I love your real self.

I had a huge problem with staying up all night my sophmore year of college, and it messed with every area of my life, it sucked. I hope you ask for the help you need to get out of it. If you can't do it alone, please ask for help from Austin or even a couple shrink sessions. Even perfectly healthy people can benefit so much from a simple shrink session, it's so enlightening.

Love you!
Austin said…
Love the new look, and am excited to read more from LDS-Feministic-Tracie-who-is-passionate-about-many-things-one-of-them-being-birth-advocacy. :)
HI Tracie-

I too am a night owl. I used to go to bed at midnight every night during my early child bearing years, sometimes even 1 pm. Now I am usually in bed by 10 am. I will read until my eyes are droopy about 15 minutes later.

Things that helped me: melatonin (after your nursing days are over). NO COMPUTER OR TV after 8 pm. (except movie night weekends) Read relaxing novels or knit, sew, or some other craft, or even clean. Getting a back or neck rub or a hair brushing from my kids (that will come later for you)

Dad is the same way. Just something all three of us have to deal with. 2 pm is pretty extreme though. If you can make it by midnight, then things are looking up.

Love the new blog design!

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