1.09.2013

Tracie's Journal #1



I'm starting a new blog series called "Tracie's Journal." My sophomore and senior year of high school I was required to write in a journal for my honor's and AP English classes. I'm really grateful for this because I am a terrible journaler. Because of this requirement, I have dozens of entries into my thoughts as a teenager. I will be randomly selecting an entry from these journals to post on this here blog. I plan to give commentary on the posts, especially the ones in which important things are written.

Here is Journal Entry #10 from my sophomore year of high school (originally spelling and punctuation preserved):

9/23/99
"I care for them all the same way, yet they always grow differently. Just like children."
--SeaQuest

Today I am not as big as a grouch as I was last time I wrote, I am, however, much, much, MUCH more tired than last time. I'm hungry.

I went to work for the second time last night. It was not fun. I stood the entire time. I worked from 5:00 to 7:30. At 8:45 no one still hadn't come to pick me up. I was furious! Finally at 9:00 Quincy was going home and heoffered me a ride so I went with him.

I'm almost done with my chapter outline in chemistry and I'm doing better on the labs. I just need help with the stupid, piece-of-crap practice problems.

Man, I wish I was 16. I am going to be crushed if no one ever asks me out. That would hurt me, but I am preparing myself for it because I know for a fact that no one will ever ask me out. Guys are stupid and blind. I am an ugly, pathetic, fat girl with nothing to live for (school, social, and dating wise.) I am not perfect not will I ever be. There is a lot of depression about me. I try to push it out of my mind and put a smile on my face. Yet it lingers there. Why don't any guys ever show any interest in me? I can already that. You already know the answer. Sometimes I get tired of being "the happy one." Because it's all a lie. One big, fat LIE. I am NOT happy. I pretend I am. Rarely, if ever, am I truly happy. The only person who makes me happy (most of the time) is Heidi. She lifts me up when I am down. And she truly makes me laugh and forget my problems. That is why I wrote that poem for her awhile back. To tell her what she means to me. Heidi is a "gem." Hee, hee. Just thinking about Heidi and the things we've done together make me smile. And that is just what I need. Someone to make me smile and forget.
Thoughts on this entry:

The first thing you'll notice is the quote. I started off every journal entry with a quote. SeaQuest was one of my favorite shows at the time. It's clear to see that I wrote these entries very stream-of-consciousness. I wrote whatever popped into my head. I also apparently did not know how to use a comma as appropriately as I do now.

I started my first official job this year. I was 15 when I started working at 5 Buck Pizza. The work was very physical, especially for an out-of-shape, overweight teenager. I would come to work there for two years before quitting to work for my dad. I hated not being able to drive myself to work. My parents would come get me when they remembered, which led to many nights like this one waiting to picked up.

My hatred of chemistry permeates most pages of my sophomore journal. I had chemistry right before English, and journal pages were done the first 10 minutes of my English class. I often left chemistry frustrated. No class has ever made me feel as stupid as chemistry did (at the time, physics would later take the cake in college). The teacher was boring and honestly, a terrible teacher. I never understood what I was supposed to do. It was an honor's class. (Why oh why oh why did I take an honor's chemistry class?!) Amazingly, I pulled off As and Bs. This class also marked the first and one of the only times I did not get an A in a class. I got sickeningly good grades in junior high and high school. I think I cried for days when I saw the B+ on my report card.

I correctly predicted my dating life in this entry. I did not get asked out during my entire time in high school. I asked out guys for the girl's choice dances, and in this way I was able to go on dates. I do not miss this aspect of high school. While I am okay with not having lots of boyfriends in high school, I do wish that I would have been asked out for dates occasionally. I was overweight for most of high school. I also hated myself, lacked any self-confidence, and was extremely self-conscious. (This started to change in the later half of my junior year.)

While I was depressed about my looks and the lack of interest from guys, I did have a best friend. We did a lot together and actually had most of our classes together that year. I am so incredibly grateful for my friendship with Heidi. This is kind of complicated to write about because I remained best friends with Heidi from elementary school to college graduation. We then had a falling out and grew apart, which I still regard as the most painful experience of my life. We have since patched things up, though we are more acquaintances now then friends. As grateful as I am for the wonderful memories of this friendship, we had our issues to be sure. The biggest problem is I suffered from codependent patterns at the time. Patterns that I carried with me through college. I didn't know that then. It took me years to recognize the signs of codependency. If you follow the link, many of the statements under the "low self-esteem" and "compliance" patterns would describe me most of my life, especially in regards to this particular relationship. While I am happy to be free from codependent behaviors (for the most part) in my relationships now, I regret that this friendship had to extinguish in order for that to happen.

And that is the first look into Tracie as a teenager. More to come later.

5 comments:

Austin said...

I didn't know you then, but I've known you for about nine years now. In case you didn't know, I'm insanely in love with the woman you've become, and it's really cool to see who you were, even if it wasn't always easy, fun or exciting.

Jacob I. McMillan said...

Man, you sure got better at grammar and punctuation since then. I could never revisit the journals I kept in my teens, they were (I'm assuming) nothing but a bunch of narcissistic, self-obsessed whining. Not that my journals from more recent years are that different, but at least I got better at expressing it, anyway I commend you for having the courage to relive such an obviously painful part of your life.

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Heather Mae the DIY Gal said...

This is a wonderful legacy that you left for yourself to explore as an adult. It is quite a journey to be able to read and learn how much we have grown and changed. I wish I wrote more in my journal as a teen. But like you, I had some many painful moments as a deaf teen in high school, and of course, I didn't want to write about them! Someday Moby will be able to read these thoughts of yours when he is a teen, and perhaps he will understand, that yes, his mother was a teen once too with the same hopes, dreams, fears, worries, and painful moments as he will someday experience as a teen. Thank you for sharing these moments. I didn't get to be a part of your life when you were a teen. :o)

Charlo said...

This is one of those times where I start replying, and it gets really long, and I think, this should really be a blog entry and not a comment on someone else's. So I Copied it. and maybe I'll post it if I get around to finishing it. Moral of the story... if we could have understood and applied what we've since learned about ourselves back when we were in HS.