I missed last week. Dang it. I plan to post twice this week to make up for last week. I was going to write about how I almost deleted my last post. It was open and honest and raw. And I felt exposed and stupid for writing it. So I was going to delete it. But then I realized that I was only wanting to delete it because of other people. I need to be able to say what I need to say right now. For healing purposes and for the purposes of getting used to writing on a regular basis. I need this catharsis. And also, being a writer means sometimes saying things other people don't want to know/read. These feelings kept me from writing last week.
But I'm now moving forward. Onward and upward as they say.
I wanted to write today about my paranoia and anxiety that I deal with on a regular basis. This shows up in a lot of ways. I worry about things to a degree that it interferes with my daily life. I am constantly second guessing myself. I am constantly examining other people's words to me looking for hidden meanings. This all comes to a head at night. Most nights I wake up every few hours in a state of terror. I have to try so hard to sleep against the paranoia and hallucinations. Typically I'll wake up with thoughts of things like "If I look at the ceiling fan, it'll be my fault my husband dies." Most of my hallucinations revolve around death or being attacked. Usually Austin's death. Sometimes mine. And they are serious and feel so real. And they are completely irrational.
I spend many nights filled with irrational terror. I have to try really hard to tell myself it isn't real. That devils and demons aren't out to get me. That I'm not being pursued by enemies. I have trouble sleeping. Even though I KNOW it's not real, it can be difficult to fall asleep anyway. I try to think of something else and all I can think about are horrible and terrifying images.
Sometimes these events are funny. On the rare occasion that I go to bed before Austin, I have been known walk up to him and accuse him of something completely nonsensical. I am awake when this happens. I remember it clearly the next day. (I know what I said, even if I have no idea why I said it.)
This is apparently a family thing. For several members of my family, in particular my mother and one of my brothers, this is a frequent occurrence for them as well.
I wish I could make this go away because it interferes with my sleep quite a bit. And sleep is something that I need more of, not less.
Do you have trouble sleeping due to vivid and frightening thoughts and images?