The Tracie & Austin Story -- Part Four
Austin and I had only been dating for about two weeks when Trent and Jessica got married. I knew Devon was going to be there. He was, after all, one of Jessica’s best friends. It was very, very difficult for me to see him. I tried not to cry and held back tears. I was feeling so many different things. For one thing, after I had gone to talk to him, he said that we could be friends. So, several weeks after talking to him I wrote him an email, and he never wrote back. I was obviously a little mad when I saw him at the wedding. So I casually asked him why he hadn’t written back, and he said that he didn’t use that email address anymore. Well, how in the heck was I supposed to know that?!? Part of me was relieved he wasn’t avoiding me on purpose, but it made it harder for me to be mad at him anymore since I now knew he hadn’t deliberately not written back. Anyway, I kept my cool and chatted casually with him. I was happy to see him and thought maybe we could be friends after all. Unfortunately, I found that I was still very attracted to him and that I still had feelings for him. They weren't overwhelming because I’d been trying so hard to get rid of them but, at the time, if I had let myself I could’ve still felt the same way about him again.
So then came the reception. I was VERY nervous. One, Devon was going to be there. And, two, Austin was going to be there. Old boyfriend, meet new boyfriend. I hate to admit it, but I stared at Devon for a large part of the reception, especially since I could see him from my spot in the line. Then Austin showed up, and I found myself very excited to see him, though my feelings were definitely torn. On the one hand, I felt the tug of my emotions for Devon and for what we had had, and on the other, I had the beginning of exciting feeling for someone new and different. It was a difficult time for me. And very confusing. I didn’t know it was possible to have feelings for two people at the same time. (By the way, it’s possible.) I could tell Austin felt weird. I would do if I were in his shoes. He KNEW that I still had feelings for Devon. When the time came for dancing, I had wanted to dance with Devon, but I never got the chance. (I did dance with Austin though.) And then Devon left, without saying goodbye. I felt angry and hurt.
Straight from my old journal: “Then Austin got all insecure and I had to reassure him all the rest of the night. He said something about me looking at Devon more than him. I apologized. But I really couldn't help it.” I knew that Austin was my current boyfriend, but I felt he was more my best friend than my true love. (Sorry, sweetie, it was true at the time. Now you’re both!) At the time I felt Devon was the love of my life, and I missed him. So, then I contemplated breaking up with Austin. I knew I had feelings for him, but I was so confused about my lingering feelings for Devon, plus I didn’t know if Austin would stand in the way of my mission plans.
I think it scared me that Austin fell in love with me so fast. It was difficult to handle the emotional roller coaster that had become my life. I was struggling with school, juggling feelings for two different guys, and dealing with the question of serving a mission or not. It didn’t help that when in Chicago for a friend’s wedding, Austin told me he got his “answer.” I mean, I was happy for him and everything, but it scared the CRAP out of me. All of the sudden I felt all this pressure. I knew I had feelings for Austin, but I wasn’t even sure if I was in love with him yet. And then Austin tells me he knows I’m the one. But we dealt with that issue, like we do all things that have come up in our relationship,
with lots of crying, emotional outbursts, and hanging up the phone with lots of patience, understanding, and love.
As time slowly passed, I found myself becoming more and more attached to Austin. He was my best friend, no doubt about it. I texted him when I woke up and his voice was the last thing I heard before I went to sleep. If I had an issue, he was there. But there was still the Devon problem. I still wanted to be friends with him. That spring Devon finally called me. It had been SIX MONTHS since we broke up, and NOW he was ready to talk to me. Unfortunately for Devon, I had been dating Austin for several months now and while I wasn’t totally in love with him, I definitely had love feelings for him (Austin, not Devon). And Austin wasn’t too keen on Devon. The good thing for me, and for Austin, was by this time I was over Devon. I mean, it had been six months, and I had wonderful, caring boyfriend who was my best friend. I did want to be friends with Devon though because that’s always been the saddest part of breaking up for me is losing a friend.
So Devon and I hung out for a few hours while Austin freaked out at home. Devon left, and that was the end of our friendship. I went to talk to Austin and decided that his jealousy and anger and hurt feelings would forever put a stop on me pursuing a friendship with Devon. Because while I wanted Devon to be my friend, Austin ultimately meant more to me.
Falling in Love
Austin and I had a great first few months, besides the rocky Devon territory and the occasional problems with Austin reading my journal and discovering that I was unsure about him. Austin was fun to be with, made me laugh, and was utterly devoted to me. I actually remember the moment that my feelings for Austin were deepening. During this entire time I had loved Austin. I mean, he was my best friend and I cared about him very deeply. But I wasn’t quite in love with him. But then one night after Austin had left, I felt something. It scared me a little, but I knew exactly what it was: I was falling in love with him. Finally. I texted Austin the lyric “I’m falling even more in love with you/Letting go of all I’ve held onto.” Austin later said he felt like he was flying when he got this text because after having been in love with me for like five or six months, I was finally falling in love with him.