Rambles

Hi peeps! (otherwise known as the handful of friends and family that read this) I know, I know. I've already failed at my goal. But don't worry. I'm going to try to make up for it this weekend by posting lots of totally cool stuff that you'll just love for all sorts of reasons. As a warning, this post won't be that cool. I need to just write and let myself ramble on about stuff because that's how I roll yo.

I had a sleep relapse last night. Bad Tracie. But the good news is I went almost two weeks at going to bed at a more decent hour (which many of you would consider "late"). And the other good news is I regretted it so much because it became extra clear to me how sucky it is to be so tired. So no more! I WILL get better at this. Dude, there's nothing I can't do when I set my mind to it. Because, yeah, I'm that awesome.

I've been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things. About my life, my passions, my desires, my ambitions, my feelings. Just been doing a lot of the self-reflecting. It's good for what ails ya. I'll post more specifically on this later.

I want to write this down so I don't forget it. I read on some random site about breastfeeding this bumper sticker-like saying: Boobs are food, not lewd. Just love it. I'll post an eloquent post on my feelings on breastfeeding in public and how it's not an indecent act later. But I just loved that. I love things that rhyme.

Also, I miss writing. So much. I have so many thoughts in my head and things that matter to me. I also have so much I want to share. I feel like I'm suffocating keeping everything trapped inside. I need to write more.

There's so much I want to do right now that I feel like I can't. I love my job. I love being an editor, and I'm great at it. I'm so, so grateful for my job. I'm so lucky that I get to do something I love and that I get to do it from home. My job is so necessary to me and my life right now. I know I'll always be a "working mom." But I don't love working full-time. Especially since there's other stuff I want to do that I just don't have time for right now. I want to get certified as a childbirth educator and a doula. I want to teach childbirth education classes. I want to serve as a doula for women. I want to help women bring their babies into this world. So much I want to do this. I yearn for this. Have you ever wanted something so much before you almost feel like it consumes you? Being a writer or an editor is a passion of mine. But making a difference in women's lives? I've found my calling. I know that I will get to do all of this eventually but waiting for the time to be right is so difficult. Between my husband going to school full-time and working full-time and me working full-time and being a full-time mother, there just really isn't much left. I do know that now is a time of sacrifice and if I can only be patient and work hard for the next 2 years or so, I can finally start working on my dreams. And really that's not that long to wait. As long as I hold fast to my dreams, I know I can eventually make them come true. And that's all I have to say about that for now.

Comments

You will get there. You just might have to wait like I did, when all my kids are in school, then you can work on your other life goals during the daytime. Just remember to enjoy the babytime because I am certainly missing those days.
Tracie said…
Good point Heather. It is one thing that I am already regretting about Morgan. I feel I wasted his "babyhood." But then again, I wasn't in the best place then. But I have vowed it will be different for the next child. I will soak up all the babyness I can because I am learning just how true it is that children grow up too fast.

And that brings up another source of pain. I feel completely torn and trapped in my life right now between motherhood and my job. I'm in the middle of writing a post about this very topic.
HayLee said…
I know about wanting something so much that it consumes your whole life. I also know about having to be patient for something. It is a hard virtue to learn. Enjoy your life in the moment, or you will miss something. I am learning that now.
Mark said…
I like hearing the part about your next child . . .

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